Acceptance

     Hello, it has been awhile since I have blogged. I have been preoccupied with certain life events that are forcing me to accept my destiny.  I have learned that my life is not going in the route of marriage and children like they portray in film.  Television shows and movies are a reflection of reality.  The media tells us that we are supposed to aspire for lives of money, marriage, and children to be happy. They also portray that those who sleep with others and have no real relationships are the unhappy ones.  Then when they find the right person everything is right with their lives or they end up heartbroken over that one time they chose to be in a relationship.  Movies and shows also demonstrate that only thin and healthy individuals find love because fat people are not attractive.  Therefore, our society is in that reality, but also tries to mimic those clichés in television. 

      I am a fat person living in America where it is unacceptable to be the way I am and especially since I am a woman.  I will not change myself to be pleasing to the eye because society tells me.  I will change when I want and need to change.  I have accepted that I will likely never find love and have children.  I am way too intelligent and I have Asperger’s to find anyone that will be compatible.  I am not trying to make anyone feel like I should be pitied because I do not feel sorry for myself. I have accepted that I will be alone and I can live with that now.  I do not need to try to find things in life based on the television shows and movies that portray that life should be like that.   I have also accepted that I will also feel like an outsider looking in to the world because I cannot feel the same needs that most people have nor do I understand many people.  

     I have chosen to live a life to serve God, to financially better myself, live to be there for my friends, and be there for the family that I have in this world. I choose to watch my friends and family grow in their lives and their relationships.  I enjoy watching them grow in their relationships because I know that they will be successful even if they get lost in portions of their lives.  I was lost for a while because I was struggling with the requirements of society and who I am as a person.  This world is unfriendly towards those are outside of the “norm” of their societies.  This world strives to be perfect when the world is imperfect and full of sin. I have realized that I will never be perfect nor will I comply to how society wants me to live.  The only time that will occur is if that will benefit me in my life circumstances. 

     In conclusion, my life is destined to be that of a loner.  I will grow old and die alone in this world.  I have accepted that my life is destined to fulfilling my duty to God, my needs, and watching those that I love improve their lives.  However, I will keep myself open to the possibility of love. My destiny is what is right now and should that change then I will embrace that reality.  I am happy now that I have accepted.

Let's Have Fun with SIngle Quotes

I have found a various of single quotes that are either hilarious or enlightening.  I sometimes get jealous of those that are in a relationship, but then whenever I have an opportunity I run.  I realize that may not like being committed, I may just want to cuddle with someone, or I like to be alone.  I have yet to figure that out.  So here I present some of my favorite single quotes:

“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.”
― Charlotte Brontë

 “I like being single, I'm always there when I need me.”
― Art Leo

“What does an introvert do when he's left alone? He stays alone.”
― Jenni Ferrari-Adler, Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant : Confessions of Cooking for One and Dining Alone  

 “A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass 

 “I think we are going to have to love ourselves. Fuck.”
― Liz Tuccillo, How to Be Single 

 “Without a doubt... the worst part of being a single woman was having to take care of your own car.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Rainshadow Road 

“You don't have to be part of a couple to be happy, you know.”
― Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, Alice Alone 

“If you continue to entertain "boys", don't be upset when you can't find a "man".”
― Stephan Labossiere

 “Love...who needed love? As long as she had her books and her friends and an occasional hookup, she was perfectly content.”
― Lauren Conrad, L.A. Candy 

 “Single life is the best life until you get hit by lonely nights.”
― Jonathan Anthony Burkett

 “As a self described idealistic I never consider myself as single. I like to say that I’m in between romances at the moment.”
― Carl Henegan

I was always an unusual girl.
My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean.”
― Lana Del Rey

 “She didn't want to have anything to do with the party. She was tired of feeling like she didn't fit in, but she didn't want to go home, either, because she was a tired of being lonely and she was a little drunk.”
― Candace Bushnell

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single girl in possession of her right mind must be in want of a decent man.”
― Alexandra Potter, Me and Mr. Darcy  

“The lonely people have taught me, that I am not alone.”
― Anthony Liccione 

Life is at a Standstill

So I am not going to University of Minnesota this semester and I might not even go next semester. So it looks like I might be staying in-state for college, I am not happy about that. the good thing with my prolong departure is that I might get a job, I have an interview this week. Hopefully, I get the job. Life can be so unpredictable sometimes. Just when you think something will work out, it doesn't. You got one problem solved, another arises. I hope that this does not continue for college. Luckily, there was some extra money to go to school and take a Chinese class. For sure I am taking summer school and I am going to overload on school to make my deadline

One of Those Nights...

It is one of those nights that you cannot fall Asleep. I can't fall asleep because I am thinking about the future and how every time I try to proceed with my life, I can't. I probably should have stayed at King's, but if I did I would be putting a strain on myself financially and I could not do what I want. Arizona State University is another option but I think that I would have loathed that place for some reason. For some reason, I just do not want to go there. I want to go to the University of Minnesota, but every time I try to go something bad happens. I do not know what to do anymore, I simply hate the circumstances that I am in.

I cannot get a job and I cannot get to where I want to go, I am starting to think that my intelligence and the life I have lived was and is a waste. I feel like no one can accept me for me. I am smart and that is the only thing that is going for me. I do not know what there is to do. I apply and apply for jobs, but no one hires me. Things look like they are going to happen for me, but it never happens.

What is the point of me having intelligence if I cannot use it?

I think I am hitting rock bottom and I am way to young to get there, but whose to say that is not possible.

I guess the only two things I can do is pray and keep applying.

I Feel Like...

I feel like I am criticize on a daily basis
I feel like the only gift that God gave me is my intelligence
I feel like I can never give an employer what she or he wants
I sometimes feel like people think that I am way to compromising
I sometimes feel like I am the only one trying to find my way back to some well-established morals and virtues
I sometimes feel like I am always under attack, that there is no one in this world that can agree with me
I feel like I would make a good judge or even a Supreme Court judge because when I watch cases I try to look at it from an unbiased standpoint
Unfortunately that would qualify me for jury duty, hopefully that no one that is in charge of jury duty reads this
I feel like our dear government can come to a compromise, but they are too worried about their political careers
I feel like Mike Hukabee (i think he said it) that career politicians are bad, too busy worrying about their career
I feel like America has driven away from the core values of the Constitution and need to come back to it fast before the nation is ruined
I feel like some Americans do not understand that America is unique and that we should not try to be like any other nation, but have our own identity

This was an exercise to help me get to sleep. I do not expect pity remarks especially from the top I feel likes. These are some of things that are on my mind. Also another thing that is on my mind and growing bigger in my mind is that stupid election, just kidding the election isn't stupid haha

2:30 am the F Train

Alright so here I am sitting on the F train and just desiring to be in my bed. Then I hear a conversation start up about the AMERICAN DREAM. I was like this is going to be interesting. However, this conversation is going on between one drunk man and a sober woman. She made the argument that you can never have the American dream because you will never get to where you want to be no matter how hard you work. His drunken argument is that it is possible to get where you want to be if you work. However, she continuously to disagree. My opinion is that there is an American dream, but it is what you want your American dream to be. The American dream does not have to be making so much money that you can by designer clothes for the rest of your life. The American dream can be whatever you want it to be , if you want to be a rich socialite, well find your way to become that. The American dream can be a housewife, a regional manger for Starbucks (I so would not mind having that job), a politician, a business man, an artist, a musician, a soldier, working for the Red cross, and etc... I believe that working hard does get you where you want to be. The only thing to ask yourself is, "where do I want to be when I am 35?" Then you find what the necessary work is to get to where you want to be. I think for myself I want to home-school my children and be a stay at home mother. However, I am getting the degrees that I need for a back up plan if I cannot afford to be a stay at home mother or I am single for the rest of my life. That is what I ultimately would love to do. Now if I do have to find work, I think that I will work with kids in juvenile facilities to tell them to do better with their lives. I would love to work with them and plus on some levels I can relate to them